Sunday, July 31, 2005

Telesales operative required. Previous experience or intelligence optional


Telesales guy: "Is that Mister Smallman?"

Before I answer any call, if the caller has not first announced to me who they are, where they're from and what they want, I answer a question with a question.

Me: "Who is it please?"

His answer is all too common.


He is yet another sales person calling from yet another telecoms outfit trying to get me to switch providers.

I'm pretty sure replying with the words: "Fuck off!" isn't the done thing in polite conversation, but his next question really did warrant such a response.

Telesales guy: "I was just wondering, do you currently have a telephone?"

I kept my cool for one reason and one reason only; he was offering me the wonderful opportunity to hit him with some withering sarcasm.

Me: "Well, it's funny you should ask that because .. that's what I'm talking to you on right now."

Unfortunately, he had in place the perfect defense to my withering sarcasm; he was brain damaged phone fodder reading from a script.

Telesales guy: "So you do currently have a telephone, then?"

No. Right now, we're communicating by means of the ancient and ephemeral, channeled mind energies of telepathy, as taught to me by an Indian Fakir in a previous life.

Of course I have a fuckin' phone, you cretin!

I say 'no' several times in an insistent but essentially polite way and then hang up.

For a moment or two I just sit and ponder that question. Then I'm reminded of why I feel like an alien on my home world.

I look at everyone and measure them by my own yard stick.

Some people really do come up short...

Friday, July 29, 2005

You grab the ankles and I'll get the wrists...


Ah, such is life.

Rumours of my demise have been much exaggerated.

Not dead, merely busy .. very busy.


If anyone feels a little neglected that I haven't been seen around their various 'blog holes for some time, well, what can I say?

I will hopefully be widening your cultural orifices with a brisk exchange of social fluids shortly...

Friday, July 08, 2005

Bloodied but unbowed


It's still not clear who placed the bombs which have so far killed as many as thirty-three people, wounded over seven hundred and disrupted the whole of the London underground tube train network, but it the end, I'm not sure it matters.

These acts of mindless, hateful cowardice will not find themselves on any of the many epitaphs to those who have paid the ultimate price, nor will we remember these acts in years to come when we talk about how the various people of London reacted with typical British stoicism and reserve and came away bloodied but unbowed.

The thought of defeating the British people in such a way is laughable.

We've survived successive wave after wave of assaulting armies from ancient times, all the way from the Roman Empire to the aspiring German Empire, and all have been repelled in time and their efforts have come to nought.

However, this war is not new, those that wage war on Britain have chosen poorly their enemies, when they struck in New York, America.

There we saw devastation on an unreal scale, comparable to that of some special effect from a James Bond film, such was the resonating shock as an incredulous world looked on, a witness to those acts.

And there also, the terrorists achieved nothing from the list of their aims and instead only served to foster comradeship, closeness and a renewed sense of identity among the citizens of the city.

Yesterday was a remarkable moment for many reasons, the day began with the continued celebration of winning the Olympics for 2012, then there was the early-risers in Gleneagles, Scotland, where those many world leaders had gathered to preside over decisions that would hopefully change our whole world for the better.

Then there was the sight of the visibly shocked Primeminister, Tony Blair stood flanked by all of the worlds' leaders in a show of unprecedented solidarity against those acts of terrorism.

Yet again, this small archipelago of islands known collectively as Britain must play host to historic, epoch-defining moments where we stand and look at the blood on our hands and on each others' faces and ask: "Is that it? Is that all you've got? Is that really the best you can do?"

Without wanting to antagonize these parasites into further actions, they're going to have to do a lot better / worse than that if they want to win anything.

Even credibility is beyond their meagre grasp, such is their pointlessness.

Thanks to all those that have wished well, but I would ask that you direct your thoughts to those who have suffered, myself not being among them.

I'm guessing this isn't the end of things.

But what I will say is, this will yet again end on our terms, not theirs...

Monday, July 04, 2005

Review: The War of the Worlds


Having had the chance to catch some of the original film on Friday, I was all set to make comparisons between the two.

I must confess, the 1953 original has aged very well indeed, so the perceived gulf between the two films that you might imagine to exist really isn't the case.

With that in mind, I was please to see that Gene Barry and Ann Robinson, who played the lead roles of Dr. Clayton Forrester and Sylvia Van Buren in the original get cameo appearances.


Also, with the golden brown tones of Morgan Freeman as the narrator, who delivers the opening a closing passages of the film, as taken from the original film, which I presume were in turn taken from the by H.G. Wells novel, we are treated to a wonderful nod to the original film to keep people like me happy that someone has at least some appreciation of the original.

Gone is the bluish wash of the likes of Saving Private Ryan and Band of Brothers, and also gone was the very well choreographed battle sequences, which were played out in a very disorganized and slip-shod fashion, with civilians and military personnel clambering up a hill to observe and face off the enemy respectively.

Even with that momentary lapse, there was still plenty of room for some relentlessly scary sequences, where you as the viewer are thrust into the predicament of wondering just what you're going to do and where you're going to run when threatened by a towering, gangling, monstrous machine intent on your demise and the demise of everyone else.

In the initial scene where the machines are revealed, Ray Ferrier, played by Tom Cruise seems to run around with little purpose, when I could see every parent in the cinema screaming to themselves: "Go and get your bloody kids, man! What's wrong with you?"

So while the realism of fear and terror existed, parental instincts were set aside for tension.

But these are minor quibbles, and to be honest, while I can think of other examples that I and my friends all voiced on the way out of the showing, they remain minor non show-stoppers that are all to be filed under "Suspended Belief".

I must confess to being very struck by the growing and mesmerizing talents of miss Dakota Fanning, having first seen her in Taken, another Steven Spielberg endeavor and then more recently in Man on Fire with Denzel Washington, I predict a wonderful career for this astoundingly talented young woman, assuming she steers clear of the bottle, the pill and the needle.

It's interesting to spot the themes that only Spielberg seems able to intertwine in such film genres, most notably that of the humanity and how he explores the way people might react to the unimaginable.

Thankfully, gone are the days of people all talking over each other, such as in Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Jaws, which just annoyed the hell out of my dad .. which was funny!

As is always the case with any film these days, there are the predictable stock plot devices. In this case, not-so doting Dad has to win over his brood if he wants to save their lives .. blah, blah, blah. All not very interesting, but serving as the backdrop and the vehicle for the film.

But there's no doubting Spielberg's ability to make real the improbable simply through how people react, rather than pure special effects, with buildings falling and cars exploding, which, let's face it, we've seen before and you'll no doubt see much of in this film.

Another theme was when columns of deshevled, dirty, beaten people fleeing the horrors of the alien machines, were seen walking through a narrow green valley, populated by small farmsteads, a river and a road. A location that I'm sure looked deliberately anonymous, and could in fact have been anywhere in the world, maybe even somewhere in Europe.

Clearly an idea borrowed from some other war scene, and borrowed to good effect.

OK, so I have one more complaint, but again, it's a small one and only to be shared with those as needlessly observant as I am. How much did the aliens in this film look like those from Independence Day?

Only in the face, mind. But maybe not even a real complaint after all.

So why did the aliens invade?

Why it is the eternal purpose of the invader to take the land of their enemy. But this really wasn't covered in the film, which doesn't bother me personally, but I'm not sure if that would have sat well with an American audience who often seem uncomfortable without knowing a reason, with the exception of George A. Romero's original Dawn of the Dead.

But then there was a sort of visual narrative, alluding to their very own final solution for the problem of the humans inhabitants; as they pass through an area, they begin the process of terra-forming the planet for their own needs.

And again, here is where Spielberg delivers a horrifying vision, not simply of mechanical genocide, but of processing and cold, clinical resource management, where humans are nothing more than living fertilizer.

I could say that I have a final complaint about the ending, but I don't, although others do.

What was interesting was that as the various methods of communication broke down as the invasion began, rumour and hear-say took over. One person saying one thing, only to be contradicted moments later by someone else.

We're taken from a small world where everything to be known is only a moment or two away between news casts, to a disconnected, isolated and hostile series of disjointed and often factually incorrect tales spread as people flee the ravages of the enemy.

And I'm sure this was the idea behind the seemingly abrupt ending; that no news had broken through and that the end came as quickly as the beginning had started.

Such is life...