oh ohh, telephone line...

To the strains of the Electric Light Orchestra getting louder and louder in the back of my mind, I start my day in the support tree of hell.

Them: “Good morning, this is <<female name>> on reception, how can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, hi. I’d just like to confirm your address please.”

Them: “Oh I’m sorry, we can’t do that here.”

Me: “I just want your address, that’s all.”

Them: “No sir. I can only re-direct your call.”

Me: “[Sigh]”

Them: “What network are you with?”

Me: “BT Mobile.”

Them: “I’ll put you through to 02.”

Me: “Eh?!”

Some god-awful soft rock holding music.

Them: “Good morning this is <<male name>> can I take your mobile phone number please?”

Me: “I just want to confirm...”

Them: “I need to your mobile phone number, first sir, please.”

Me: “OK my number is <<telephone number>>”

Them: “Err, I don’t seem to have you on my records.”

Me: “I know. I’m not with 02.”

Them: “But you’ve come through to 02.”

Me: “I was sent here. I didn’t ask to be here.”

Them: “I’ll need to be...”

Me: “Whoa, whoa .. whoa! Hang on. All I want is for you to confirm your address for me.”

Them: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t do that. You’ll have to call support.”

Me: “What?!”

Them: “We only deal with 02 customers.”

Me: “Can you put me through?”

Them: “No sir. You’ll have to go back to reception.”

What the fuck are they doing? Talking to each other on paper cups and wet string?!

I hang up and call reception again.

Them: “Good morning, this is <<female name>> on reception, how can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I was wondering if you could confirm your postal address for me?”

Them: “No. I can’t do that from here. But I can put you through to the right department? What network are you with, sir?”

Me: “Hold on. I’ve just been sent through to completely the wrong department. I’m with BT Mobile...”

Me: Them: “If you have a billing enquiry with BT Mobile, then you need to call them direct.”

Me: “I don’t have a bill enquiry. I just want your address.”

Them: “I can’t give you that, unfortunately.”

Me: “I just want the address of the right department so that I can send a letter to you requesting a redemption on my bill.”

Them: “You will need to speak to BT Mobile direct.”

Me: “But it’s your offer!”

Them: “I’ll put you through to the support team.”

Eventually, I get to speak to someone with a brain, which was a relief at the time.

I find it staggering that they are unable to provide me with the address of the building they work in.

Are we to presume that they parachute in every morning? Or maybe they have such exotic means of conveyance as teleportation? Or maybe they’re abducted and taken blind-folded in the back of a dirty white van?

Yes, this is Monday alright...