Seeing the wood for the trees...

It's not often that the daily news reveals a feel-good story, with the exception of the odd: "Cat stuck in tree. Firemen save the day.", or: "Woman on IVF gives birth to sextuplets." Assuming you can call that last story good news.

But we did get a genuine, one-hundred percent, cast-iron feel-good story and the damned thing happened so quickly, everyone missed it!

For the first time in many a year, deforestation in the Amazon rain forest has been halved:

"Environment Minister Marina da Silva said some 9,000 sq km (3,475 sq miles) of forest was felled in the last year.

This compares with more than 18,000 sq km (6,950 sq miles) in 2003 to 2004."

Now, what I'd like to know is, what with all the emphasis being on the environment and what not, how the hell did that one slip under the noses of the media with hardly so much as a mention in the page edge column inches in the tabloids?

I mean, c'mon, this is big good news, isn't it?

There are notable issues and conditions attached to this good news, however:

"... environmental groups, while welcoming the fall, are still treating the announcement with caution.

The figures, they say, are still estimates from satellite images which, because of cloud cover, have a 20% margin of error.

They say a fall in soy prices may also have had an impact, with farmers no longer clearing land."

But even with this being the case, this really does require some more attention, surely?

"Greenpeace said it was too soon to talk about a long-term slowing of the destruction of the forest, warning that illegal loggers may just be biding their time.

The only firm conclusion, the group said, was that when the government decides to mount major operations against illegal loggers, this does have a positive short-term effect."

If this is the case and Brazil can demonstrate that they are able and willing to police the Amazon -- which is no mean feat, by the way -- then this should be applauded and the wider global community should think of ways of extending the reach and the resources of the Brazilian forces and the government to better deal with the illegal logging and make more concerted efforts to drive home the message of sustainable harvesting methods, replantation and the like.

This is good news, and for me at least, this comes on the back of a great many positives that I have been seeing and hearing about over the last three or four years.

This could be too early to say for sure, but I honestly do feel that we are turning a corner...

Things that really .. really piss me off: part XIII

Unlucky for some, but this particular series has reached number thirteen.

Unlucky for some, but lucky for you!

Allow me to massage that muscle of rage, incredulity, angst, pitiless wrath and withering cynicism.

Sit back, get uptight and feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end as you share with me, your host for this evening (Greenwich Mean Time, that is) twelve things that really .. really piss me of:

Part I, People that slurp when they eat & drink.

Part II, Old people who think by virtue of simply being old entitles them to just do what the fuck they like!

Part III, Reality TV and soap operas.

Part IV, I know I've covered the topic before, but political correctness is just filth.

Part V, The idea of a United Kingdom is gone.

Part VI, People who go abroad on holiday and complain about the food.

Part VII, Malt vinegar, salad cream, marzipan, any sweet sauces for savory dishes and any / all sweet & sour dishes.

Part VIII, Smokers who think they're all healthy 'n' stuff 'coz they walk in a wood .. sometimes.

Part IX, Fashion fascism.

Part X, The pill-popping generation.

Part XI, What really .. really pisses you off?

Part XII, Daft television advertising pandering to political correctness.

Enjoy!

Pound silly, penny wise

It seems that April Fools has come early this year, for the season of silliness has yielded an absolute welter of a stoopid idea.

Serious thought is being given to minting a ninety-nine pence coin.

I ask you? A ninety-nine pence coin!

On what plateau of other-wordly existence do these people come from?

But, it does appear that there is a shred of logic to this otherwise utterly incomprehensible shambles of an idea, no matter how tenuous a grasp on reality it might have.

Apparently, because retailers are forever selling things at 99p or £99.99p and the like, we the consumer are loosing in the region of £160 million a year.

That being the case, the most logical idea is to mint a ninety-nine pence coin, yes?

Right!

So, just getting the retailers to change their age-old practice didn't find its way onto the table for consideration, did it?

But all the same, £160 million a year, that's not an insubstantial amount of money, eh?

Look at all the money we're going to save!

Hang on. Let's cast the light of common sense on this crippled and shadowy mess of an idea.

I went to my local shop / store yesterday and saw a 2-4-1 offer on my favourite low-fat milkshake.

Now normally, each bottle costs 99p, but for that same amount of money, you get two bottles.

Well, I bought four bottles for the price of two.

So thus armed with my two pound coin, I bought said bottled milkshakes.

I should have got two pence in change, but when the change is less than ten pence, I let the shop / store keep it because I know that they put the money into one of the charity donation collectors they have on the counter.

How many more people do what I do?

So either the £160 million a year figure factors this practice in, or there's going to be some seriously depleted charity funds should such a brain-dead idea as to mint a ninety-nine pence coin every get the nod.

A penny for you thoughts?

Random excerpts & interludes, part III

As we walk in, the warmth of the open fire at the far end of the room that is the plush, subtly lit bar greats us.

Each small cluster of seats creating an almost private venue for small groups of smartly-dressed people sat drinking quietly.

Like all little boys, I'm in need of the smallest room in the building and as I walk behind her, I gently place my hands around her slender hips and lean towards her, my head gently nestling beside hers, in and amongst the tousled brunette hair tumbling over her shoulders.

I take a deep breath of the soft scent held in her hair before speaking.

“I’m driving, so I best just have an orange juice.”

And with that, I disappear into the toilet.

On my return, I look to the bar. There she stands against the bar with a curious look on her face. looking down at the drinks. The barman leans down on the bar, looking to me with an equally bemused look on his face. He raises a brow and moves along, wiping a glass before placing it on a shelf behind him.

I look at the counter and see two drinks. One, a medium-sized glass of white wine, the other being a sherry glass with what appeared to be orange juice.

But why the sherry glass?

Now I complete the sequence, and all three of us look confused.

“What’s that?” I ask cautiously.

“Gin and orange.” She replies, not sure herself.

“Gin and orange?” I exclaim by way of confirmation.

“Yeah!” She retorts with a smile.

Then I realize. With the sound of the music she misheard me: “... just have an orange juice.” sounding somewhat like gin and orange juice.

We laughed about it for a while and commented on just how typical a thing that was to happen to the two of us.

For a moment, we were back there together again, all of those moments came flooding back like the months apart had never happened.

An hour or so later we would part company for the last time. Her life and mine going in very different directions...

A time to kill...

For the first time in a long time, a major issue has wafted under my nose and I find myself incapable of formulating an opinion.

I honestly just don't know what to make of the shooting of the Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes.

On the one hand, what happened was and still is a terrible and seemingly avoidable tragedy.

While on the other hand, was the guy acting so suspiciously that the police were left with no choice?

To make matters worse, police reports conflict with other evidence and in some cases, evidence seems to have gone missing.

What do you guys think?

Things that really .. really piss me off: part XII

Well, it's been some time some since I let loose my negativity, but I think the time is again upon us.

While I've belched forth my bile on the subject of political correctness before now, recent events have piqued my rage once more.

Over here in Britain, we have a high street bank called NatWest (Formerly going under the more formal title of The National Westminster Bank .. quite!)

They're running an advertising campaign on television at the moment where this guy walks up & down some streets in London bemoaning the various services that his bank lacks, and at the end of the piece, the NatWest are there to bail him out.

In one instance, he says something along the lines of: "My Indian restaurant is local." As he stands outside the restaurant.

Then on the inside, sat down with his curry & rice: "While my bank has gone to India." Which is a swipe at the call centre services being 'off-shored'.

Now, this was a simple enough dig at the growing appetite of almost all industry sectors to float off their support services abroad, typically to India.

Funny? Mildly.

Factual? Broadly, yes.

However, if you're as observant as me, you'll have noticed that the advert has been changed.

...

Then on the inside, sat down with his curry & rice: "While my bank has gone somewhere else." Or something to that effect, but definitely no mention of India.

We do indeed live in curiously litigious times.

We somehow feel pressured to pander to some of the most effete and limp-wrested sensibilities imaginable.

How anyone -- even someone who is Indian -- could feel insulted by such a truly harmless piece of topical advertising, I cannot imagine.

Who am I kidding?! Of course I can imagine.

With the words: 'mental trauma' embolden on the lawsuit and a spurious note from a doctor, anyone with a suntan could jump in and make a grab for some big money prizes in the national lottery law courts.

I'm concerned that British law is moving far too close to American law, in the sense that anything goes.

If that day does come, then it won't just be the call centres that'll be buggering off to India...

Q & A

Questions & Answers

Unique
1. Nervous habits? On the rare occasions I do get nervous, I might fart. But then again, being a bloke, I fart all of the time, so does that count?
2. Are you double jointed? No
3. Can you roll your tongue? No
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? Yes
5. Can you blow spit bubbles? Not since childhood, but I do know someone who can.
6. Can you cross your eyes? Yes. Plus, I can make my eyeballs vibrate very quickly.
7. Tattoos? No. I think they all look tacky and cheap.
8. Piercing? See above.
9. Do you make your bed daily? Only under duress.

Clothes
10. Which shoe goes on first? Left
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? No
12. On the average, how much money do you carry? The odd five quid in loose change. I'm waiting for the day that all metal & paper currency is scrapped and plastic is the way to go.
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? My mothers' ring.
14. Favorite piece of clothing? Don't know how to answer that. That really does depend on what I'm doing and where I'm going.

Food
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? Probably as a child.
17. Do you use extra salt on your food? Only on eggs and fresh tomatoes.
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? Just the one. And they’re not in a cabinet, they’re in the pantry.
19. What's your favorite beverage? A cold can of Stella Artois .. or two. Or maybe three!
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant? Don't do fast food. Might sound like a bit of an oxymoron for a northerner, but I have some respect for my body.
21. Do you cook? Every day.

Grooming
22. How often do you brush your teeth? Minimum twice per day.
23. Hair drying method. Towel. I have my hair cut on the number 2, so it's pretty short.
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? C'mon! You've got to be bloody kidding, yeah?

Manners
25. Do you swear? Does the fuckin' sun rise?
26. Do you ever spit? Occasionally, but for legitimate reasons. Those being that whatever it is that I have in my mouth, I don't really want it to be there.

Favourite
27. Animal. Dog
28. Food. Impossible to answer. I like so much food it's quite unreal. I am from Yorkshire you know? We know how to eat up here.
29. Month. Which ever month my holiday falls on.
30. Day. Saturday
31. Cartoon. Jase and the wheeled warriors.
32. Shoe brand. None really.
33. Subject in school. History
34. Color. A warm blue.
35. Sport. Football .. no, not the American rugby derivative. I mean football.
36. TV shows. I don't watch enough television to have a favourite.
37. Thing to do in the spring. Wait for the summer.
38. Thing to do in the summer. Make the most of the summer.
39. Thing to do in the autumn. Wonder what the hell happened to the summer.
40. Thing to do in the winter. Go into hibernation.

In and around
41. In the CD player. Nothing. I have all of my music in iTunes.
42. Person you talk most on the phone with. At a guess, my dad. Currently, I'm not in a relationship. I'm in that period between fights, arguments and intermittent sex.
43. Reading. Greek Mythology.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows / mirrors? No
45. What color is your bedroom? White
46. Do you use an alarm clock? No. I seem to be able to wake up when I want, which is quite bizarre, but bloody effective.
47. Window seat or aisle? Depends what leg room I have. Being quite tall, there's usually fuck all room to get my legs in. But I do prefer the window.

Dumb
48. What's your sleeping position? Right side.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket. Yes because it tends to get quite cold in the early hours.
50. Do you snore? No. and there's a story to this. One of my ex's thought I'd died in my sleep because I was so quiet.
51. Do you sleepwalk? No
52. Do you talk in your sleep? Typically, no. If I'm ill and feverish, then yes.
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No
54. How about with the light on? I like to let the dog see the rabbit before he goes chasing down the hole.
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? No. I'm far too organized for that.
56. Last interesting person you met? A girl called Emma on holiday last week. She was quite a lot of fun and very genuine.

In no particular order

My head is awash with a million good memories, my body is in need a serious detoxification regimen and what parts of my body aren’t burnt are covered in anonymous cuts, grazes and bruises .. all of which are quite unordered. But that’s not too bad a thing, really.

Please note: this IS NOT a list of 'conquests'. These are the woman that I was fortunate enough to get to know while on holiday.

Big Emma who quite liked the idea of a guy who was taller than she was.

Little Emma who gave me a serious lift and helped renew my faith in woman.

Very cute and petite Emma from Halifax who was working as a waitress for way less than the minimum wage. I just wanted to give her a big hug. No, you haven't put on weight, it's the water. And please, please, please get a better paying job.

Amanda who had to carry her friends dignity when they didn't really want to. Well done!

Alison the blonde who I tried to intimidate at every opportunity .. and failed. Which was the plan anyway. She looked the type.

Harriet who while being quite sober gave a good impression of not being so. Very funny but also very bad impersonation of Borat Sagdiyev.

All the girls from Newcastle. And no, I didn't really fart on your friends seat to keep it warm for her, but I think they knew anyway. Made them all laugh, though.

Jodie is the definitive Latino type. Saying that she is extremely attractive doesn't quite come close.

Bev', friend of Jodie who thought I looked like George Michael. Now, I can deal with being told that I look like Daniel Bedingfield, I've had that often enough .. but George Michael?!

Lynn who had a worse second name than me and who managed to out-weird Steve by kicking him in his eye, and who made me laugh so much I got a head ache.

Charlie the girl next door with the ultra-husky, sexy voice.

Hannah, the sister of the girl next door who seemed too shy for her own good looks. Much like her sister, she was very, very fine.

Lynette, shy but fun blonde who was happy to sit and watch little Emma and Lynn have all of the fun.

To the Russian girl who for some reason didn't fall for my "Eh! My nay-eem is Vladimir an' I em frohm Rah-sha!" one-two. The words Burn and Crash immediately spring to mind. But what a way to go.

To all the woman who never got my age right and thought I was younger than I actually am. What can I say? Yeah!

Look up...

Things seem to be on the up.

I'm quite busy right now. Work has been brisk and there may be some bigger things in the pipeline.

I'm very much looking forward to going away, but what with a tentative work offer I've had, I'm also keen to get back.

But I don't want to go and wish next week away .. I want to savour the moment!

For the first time in about two years, I can see a route forward and there are options, just in case I'm in need of an exit strategy.

It'd be nice to have someone to share it with, but we parted company some months ago.

The ironic thing is, she's currently living a couple of islands away from where I'm going to be staying next week.

So that's something to get the head around.

When I'm in this situation -- those periods between arguments, lust, rows, sex, screaming fits and passion -- I like to think to myself that somewhere out there is a woman who I may well spend the rest of my life with.

I've no idea who she is, where she is or what she looks like.

But what I do know is that she'll be smart, very attractive, feisty, independent and a bit of laugh to be with.

I'm not in any rush for this next two weeks to go by, but I can't wait to see what's next...

Rejoice!

It is with great heart I bring to you this message of good tidings.

It is indeed Yorkshire Day!

It is the 1st of August, so the fine county of Yorkshire celebrates.

To commemorate this day, I'm thinking about confounding all of my clients and would-be callers by speaking in my less-than-neutral, deepest native tongue.

And ye know what? Thez nowt 'rong wi that...